What is it that I think I’m trying to be anyway?
This sentiment has been feeling me lately. Music, writing, school, Reiki -the idea that I am embodying something that I am not, and will eventually be revealed as a fraud.
I think that what this comes down to is a question of identity. A clinging to identity. The way the new and different things which I am doing are making up what I think I am.
But need I remind myself, this is what CHANGE looks like. A shedding of the old. New habits, New hobbies, New opportunities. Of course I feel different when a form that I identified with for so long is starting to mold into something else; I am changing, and adding, to my identity.
We are infinite, creative beings, after all.
Impostor syndrome seems to be a product of the perception and misconception of a totally static identity: “I am only this thing one thing and if I try to do something else then I am not being this ‘me’ that I identify with. I am not being myself.”
Yes, there are certain fixed aspects of myself that I may not be able to change as easily just by thought. But when identifying myself with the things that I choose to do, things I enjoy and find fulfillment in, and things that ignite my passions, I need to understand that those things are bound to change and evolve throughout my lifetime.
So I ask myself, what is this ‘thing’ that I think I am anyway if not a series of things? How can I label something that is flowing and changing? And if I hold onto this fradulent energy aren’t I just negating the things that are contributing to my being?
I’m learning. Untying the knots, and allowing myself to unfold.